This one’s for Mark’s fear, mentioned in ep50.
A story reprinted for Joseph’s fear of what lies beneath the waves, from Paramount’s JAWS 25th anniversary celebration.
WHY IS IT THEY NEVER BELIEVE YOU?
By Michael Ashleigh Finn
Doctorates. Experience. Press coverage with that beautiful bastard of a specimen in Amity. You’d think people’d believe me. They never do. Especially the politicians.
It’s happening again. Only much. Much bigger than before. Hollywood would love to get their hands on this…isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in a sequel? Make it bigger, more intense?
Remind me to drop a few studio execs in the ocean when I get out of here.
Sleepy little town. That’s the image it tries to project…in reality, it’s a tourist trap. Lately, it’s been a buffet for sharks.
“Dr. Hooper, I’m glad you could make it.”
The town’s Chief Medical Examiner had the unlikely name of Brandywine McBride. Slim girl, blonde hair braided back to allow her to work… before you go getting any ideas, she’s twenty years my junior, and I’m happily married. She was a tad young for her position, but Bar Harbour only had two M.E.’s anyway.
I shrugged out of my jacket…it gets cold in Maine, even during the summer, for those of us taken up down south…and folded it over my arm. “Dr. McBride, I don’t mean to be rude, but why the expense of dragging me up here?”
She adjusted her glasses. “You’re the expert.”
“I teach. I do seminars. I’m not a forensic pathologist anymore.”
She grinned a little knowing smile. Ask any pathologist…the way of thinking soaks into your brain.You never really quit. I may have been a marine biologist first, but forensics had become a minor hobby of mine for a decade or two. It had left a mark.
I looked at her. She looked back. I sighed. “What do you have?”
If this was Hollywood, she would have pulled a corpse or three out of the meat locker. In fact, she merely called me over to the board and grabbed some flimsies, which she started sticking up on the
I squinted at the close-ups of the bites. Multiple victims, apparently children from the size of the wounds. “Well, they’re definitely not from the same shark. Radials will tell you that. Tiger frenzy,
maybe? Rare, but known to happen.”
“They’re separate attacks.”
I arched an eyebrow. “Really? I think you just skewed the statistics for this year. You have seventy-five percent of the world’s attacks right here. Any fatalities?”
She nodded. “One. Several attacks…but when the body washed up on the beach, I was finally able to convince the powers that be that we needed an expert on Elasmobranch behavior.”
I blinked at her. “You have several tiger sharks out there munching on kids, and they wouldn’t let you call in help until now?”
She blinked back. “Kids?”
I squinted at the pictures again. “Multiple bite patterns means multiple sharks. Few sharks will even nip at humans, most spit us back out…not enough fat on our bones to be seals. Of those, fewer still will tolerate each other at close proximity, refusing to share territory. Given that, the largest speciesI know of that could possibly make those bites would be the tiger…on children.”
“Doctor…I hate to break this to you, but those are adults.”
To celebrate Halloween the Gents discuss what frightened them so bad as kids that it haunts them to this very day. Clowns not included.
The Gents cover Carpenter’s career and influence, from Dark Star to The Ward, as writer, director, producer and musician. There may be singing.
I enclose the results of the leads you gave me on finding cyptids, with mixed results.
- The chupacabra in New Mexico turned out to be a cobra named Chappie. You need to maybe start typing your notes instead of hand writing them, you’re confusing yourself.
- The one in Nevada turned out to be an Elvis impersonator on LSD and speedballs who attacked some goats. He gets out of jail in Nov.
- The mermaid sighting in Seattle? By the docks? No more coffee for you.
- While I was there I checked out that troll you mentioned under a bridge. It’s a sculpture, Ottis. And no, that’s not just during the day…it doesn’t turn to flesh at night and eat people. I checked.
- That sasquatch you sent me after in Canada, around Lake Magog and Mount Assiniboine? The one that supposedly had built a house on the lake so he could hang out with Nessie’s cousin? That’s Brian Blessed’s summer home. For the last time, he is not a sasquatch.
- Likewise, no sightings of Nessie’s cousin.
- I did, however, run into something in Alaska, near where you said the Jersey Devil likes to go fishing. It was during a snowstorm, so I couldn’t quite make out what it was. It had a vaguely hyena shape to it, except it was crouched back on two legs and it was like it was wearing chitonous armor of some sort. And appeared to have tentecles. (Like I said, it was storming.) It snatched the goat I had as bait and ran off, either screaming or cackling, it was hard to tell. One of the tentacles spat something at my face, and by the time I could see again, it had disappeared into the storm.
- Given #2 above, and despite having no idea what a chupacabra would be doing in Alaska…or with tentacles…I’m going to file him under “chupacabra” sighting. And name him Elvis.
PS: I picked up that classic car you wanted me to haul back to you. Since I still have more of my search left, I’m driving it around instead of busing. Had a mechanic check under the hood and change the oil. He claims it wasn’t oil but “black blood of the Earth.” Weird.
The Gents sit down for a discussion of the various creatures supposedly roaming the wilds of the world and pop culture. Meanwhile, Mickey goes on a hunt for said creatures.
The Freaky Four crack open what it means to “be Lovecraftian” with a history lesson, discussion of tone, and movie recs.
The Gents venture back to Westeros to look into the storytelling, characters, and fast travel, as well as make predictions for next season. Bronn, Hound, and Gendry included.
The Gents comb the audience for classic yet obscure genre shows to reboot and fill their nightly lineup. Rabbit ears not included.
The Gents dig up Stephen King adaptions of yesteryear and discuss the films and shows in development. Dreamcatchers not included.