Dear Ottis-

I enclose the results of the leads you gave me on finding cyptids, with mixed results.

1. The chupacabra in New Mexico turned out to be a cobra named Chappie. You need to maybe start typing your notes instead of hand writing them, you’re confusing yourself.
2. The one in Nevada turned out to be an Elvis impersonator on LSD and speedballs who attacked some goats. He gets out of jail in Nov.
3. The mermaid sighting in Seattle? By the docks? No more coffee for you.
4. While I was there I checked out that troll you mentioned under a bridge. It’s a sculpture, Ottis. And no, that’s not just during the day…it doesn’t turn to flesh at night and eat people. I checked.
5. That sasquatch you sent me after in Canada, around Lake Magog and Mount Assiniboine? The one that supposedly had built a house on the lake so he could hang out with Nessie’s cousin? That’s Brian Blessed’s summer home. For the last time, he is not a sasquatch.
6. Likewise, no sightings of Nessie’s cousin.
7.  I did, however, run into something in Alaska, near where you said the Jersey Devil likes to go fishing. It was during a snowstorm, so I couldn’t quite make out what  it was. It had a vaguely hyena shape to it, except it was crouched back on two legs and it was like it was wearing chitonous armor of some sort. And appeared to have tentecles. (Like I said, it was storming.)   It snatched the goat I had as bait and ran off, either screaming or cackling, it was hard to tell. One of the tentacles spat something at my face, and by the time I could see again, it had disappeared into the storm.
8. Given #2 above, and despite having no idea what a chupacabra would be doing in Alaska…or with tentacles…I’m going to file him under “chupacabra” sighting. And name him Elvis.

 

PS: I picked up that classic car you wanted me to haul back to you. Since I still have more of my search left, I’m driving it around instead of busing. Had a mechanic check under the hood and change the oil. He claims it wasn’t oil but “black blood of the Earth.” Weird.